This is an email that I sent to Gilda, the lady who ran the retreat I went on in Hawaii, and I wanted to share the story with you...
I asked to be released from a lot of negativity in Hawaii, when we did our ritual to Pele, and I have a story to tell you, about what's happened since.
When I got back, it was very hard get organized, as Josh (my son) was so poorly, and I was so jet lagged, and it took a while to try and find places to put all the things I had brought back. After a while, I managed to get a number of 'mementoes' from Hawaii together, and put them in a file. I remember trying to find somewhere 'safe' to put it, which is no small thing in our house, as Josh gets into everything, and regularly moves things around, hides them, throws them in the bin if you're not careful etc. And I looked everywhere and couldn't seem to find anywhere. In the end, I think I ran out of time, and put them down somewhere, and then they just disappeared.
In amongst these things, were the pictures I bought of the Volcano, and my Pele book, and they are all very precious to me.
One night (before I had realized that I had lost these things, but they had already disappeared from where I had put them), we had a fire going in the grate, (our boiler had broken down), and it was just before bed, and the fire had burnt right down, and there in the grey ashes I saw an old woman's face, I looked away again, and then looked back, and there she still was, an old woman looking right at me. I didn't think any more of it, but that night when I lay down in bed, I felt the presence of Pele completely fill me.
After some days, I realized this stuff had all gone missing, and I started looking around, and it was if it had just disappeared off the face of the earth. When Josh was next at nursery, I conducted a minutiae search of the house, it took 3 hours, (I was trained to do security searches when I was a nurse, and I looked EVERYWHERE!). I was totally devastated. That night, I lay in bed, and I felt so depressed, like I haven't felt in years, and I knew something strange was going on, because this depression had come out of nowhere, and I really felt like I could just die, but I was aware that this was all out of proportion to losing some postcards, pictures and books, no matter how precious.
The next morning, Josh was at nursery, and I'd been looking in his room, to see if I could find them there. I just couldn't stop looking for them, and I looked in the same places over and over again. I was in his room, and I sat down on his toy chest, and just started wailing - you know how people do when something so awful had just happened and it's just coming out without any control over it.
And then it started coming to me, that I was an Arab woman, and I'd lost my children, and that I'd looked everywhere to find somewhere safe for them to hide and I couldn't find anywhere. My (intellectual, logical) mind wasn't particularly going along with this, but it all FELT real, and I always try and use everything that comes my way as a healing exercise. So I sat myself down with some pen and paper, and started working with it.
I was a little round Arab woman, my husband was gone (to war?), and something was going on, here where we lived, we were being invaded or something similar, and we were in the middle of chaos, crowds and dust everywhere and it was dangerous. I had 3 children, the youngest a boy about 3, then a girl about 7, and then a boy, (who was Joshua) who was 9. I tried to find somewhere for them to hide, but couldn't find anywhere, no matter where I looked, and then time ran out, and they were separated from me. After it had all died down, I looked for them, for days and days, but I knew they were dead. I couldn't live with knowing I had failed to protect my children and I blamed myself, and I couldn't bear to be alive, so I took my own life.
Sitting there, in my little house in South Nutfield, Surrey, I felt all the agony that this woman had felt, and part of me acted as healer, and I took myself through the healing process, in the same way that I do my clients. I asked her what else she could have done, (nothing), I spoke to her of the eternal life of the soul, of the lessons we all learn, I connected her to those souls now to see if they are all Ok from this experience, (they were), and I asked her to release this pain, and forgive herself, which she did, and so did I, and filled us both with lots and lots of beautiful pink Sophia love energy, (and remember there is no pain so great that cannot be healed by the love of the Goddess)
And so it seems that I had a spontaneous regression, which is quite rare, and I was able, through my training and experience, to turn it around into a self-love and forgiveness exercise, and boy did I feel better after! (and all signs of feeling depressed disappeared in a puff of smoke!)
Spontaneous regressions are quite rare, as the subconscious material usually takes some 'getting to', and there are 'gateways' which have to be opened on the etheric levels in order for the materials to come through - I sense this is done by the higher self. But anyhow, my feeling was that this 'spontaneous' regression occurred by the direct intervention of Pele, in answer to my prayer, that I can learn how to be happy. The loss of the pictures was a recreation of events in a past life, where I had lost something far more precious, but triggered off the same feelings of helplessness, despair, self-blame and a huge amount of negativity directed at the self. I felt I had been given a great gift by Pele, by being given the opportunity to heal this past trauma - because it's only when these things come into conscious awareness that we can heal, and finally release these things. I felt Pele had appeared to me in the fire, in her aspect as Crone, (death and rebirth, the Crone is also the healer), to help me understand that this lesson was being instigated as a healing thing, and not as a punishment!
I've definitely been feeling a lot more worthy as a human being since my self-esteem has never been good.
It was fascinating to see how this little Arab woman, who was just a bundle of love and joy, had after losing her children, turned all her pain inwardly. I can understand how this happens, but part of what I 'spoke' to her about, was that we are all a part of the Divine, that we all have our place here, but that not one of us can control the world and all that happens to it, and that she could not 'blame' herself for not being able to control what others did, as it was her ego that thought she should be able to control the world and all that was in it (and so prevent her children being killed). And also, this is very much a lesson for me at present, not to take what the world gives me, and think 'oh, this is because I'm a good person', or 'oh, this is because I'm a bad person'. The world is what it is, and we have to learn to live in it, by building what is inside us to be on a rock solid foundation.
Anyway, it all turned up a week later, Mark had put it in his bag by mistake!
Was I happy or what, over the moon! And I do feel much stronger inside, as if maybe I do deserve to be happy, to be OK with myself. I'm going to keep working on it, until I KNOW I deserve to be happy.
With Love
xxxx
For further details on retreats to Hawaii (and some great photo's of dolphins!) Gilda's web site can be found at goddessjourneys.com.
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