My mother has told me, on repeated occasions, that from the moment she first held me she just 'knew' that I was going to be trouble. Only recently, I am now 53, did she confide that my father urged her to have an abortion when she told him she was pregnant with me. In my first three years I tried to kill myself on three separate occasions. As an eight month old I crawled over a threshold and fell into a basement that while it had a cement floor it did not have stairs. Why the door was open was never discussed though my mother told me, "never in my life was I so happy to hear a baby cry." Apparently she heard me hit the cement and knew right away what had happened. Two years later while visiting my fathers best man at their wedding, the man that I was named after, I got into a chemical that was used for his business a chemical for which there was no antidote. How I came to be in the basement and in his office that he was sure was locked there is still no explanation but I did and by the time I arrived at the hospital in my mothers arm, I was dead. I have told her about that day, what the house looked like, the weather, even the part of the city the house was in and all of my descriptions were so accurate, this coming from a two and a half year olds memory, that she really had no choice but to accept that I watched from above as they travelled to the Edmonton General Hospital down Jasper Avenue. I watched the drive and described the car but once we arrived at the hospital my memory stopped. Obviously I was revived and remained in intensive care for two weeks while they waited to see if I would survive the poisoning. I have heard that it was considered a miracle that I did, though during some parts of my life instead of a miracle I thought instead it was only my penance. To this day I cannot suffer for one moment the smell of apple juice, it was all I could have for weeks while in the hospital. Then just a few months later as I was running into the house I tripped and fell on a glass milk bottle and severed an artery and nerve in my left hand. My mother still doesn't know how I survived after having lost so much blood, the worst cut she has ever had to face.
Now I am 53, having lived been through several more situations that I looked back on wondering how I survived. The details are not important, the effects are. It is no coincidence that I am standing upon a threshold. My parents are in their final years, and they are not perfect, except of course in their imperfection. My father has never understood me but our lifelong love/hate relationship has evolved, as we both have. My mother is losing touch with our reality and the long slow decline for her has begun. I, however, stand upon a threshold. My user name encompasses all that I have learned, what I was meant to experience and contribute to our Creator, the understanding that there is only One, having seemingly separate experiences, but there is just One. The acceptance of this objective truth in this subjective reality can only have one outcome, the understanding and change in attitude that any of this can be personal. Nothing is because nothing can be personal in the light of knowing that personally we really do not exist. We seem to, we believe and act and speak as if we are, but all of this is only necessary because it inevitably leads us to our 'healing' and that is the knowing of the wholeness we are but an expression of. Life is for the sake of the Creator not the created. Life fulfills Its purpose and in letting go of the idea of the separate self we can embrace the true power of the vibration that is creation, we can provide for the Creator the feeling of It having discovered for Itself, Itself, through Its creation, us. This is why we are here, this is our potential and this is Creators promise to Itself.
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