I'm 48 years old and have struggled with addiction for all of my life. I've had years of abstinence, however I never treated the root cause which I now know is my spirituality. About 5 years ago I began using again to treat my crippling depression and anxiety. Although I wasn't using to get high my addiction was awakened and the depression became unbearable. I was hospitalized for severe panic attacks that would last for days, coming in waves. Suicide was inevitable. I had to muster up the courage to do it but could not get up the strength. I was an agnostic and had no belief of any kind of god that could intervene. I only prayed for death. I was spiritually bankrupt. My mind became locked into a state of catastrophic thinking and was institutionalized and put on suicide watch for 9 days. Every move I made was monitored by a tech or nurse, even going to the bathroom. A few years ago I was living a normal life with 2 children a beautiful wife, a great job and no worries. I was devastated at how my disease could take so much and tried to cut my wrists with my partial denture I had from a serious car accident 20 years ago. A nurse intervened and I curled up in a ball crying like a child. It got much worse.
I decided to act like I was doing better and was released a week later. My plan was to get heroin and overdose. When I returned home and saw my wife and children I could not do it. In the months that followed I was still suffering horribly and realized I probably would have to suffer for the rest of my life. I had too many panic attacks to count, and the depression that followed them was unlike anything I've ever felt before. I began calling people from narcotics anonymous to see if they relapsed and could help my score some heroin. I realized the ones that relapsed would not answer the phone and searched the internet for ways to get high legally. I found a drug called kratom and began taking massive doses to ease the depression and anxiety. It worked for a while and then it didn't. I had to find the strength to kill my self. I was now horribly addicted and still suffering from depression. I fantasized of my obituary. No one matters in addiction.
In the early morning of feb 23 I started to feel a energy unlike anything I've ever felt before. I was processing information I didn't even know I had so rapidly That I thought I had a brain tumor that was creating all the depression I experienced and was now making me feel the exact opposite. I wasn't at all afraid and decided to let whatever was going to happen just happen. I began to understand how the disease of addiction worked and felt a presence of light and love overcome me. I instinctively knew it was god and kept letting go of negative thoughts and emotions. I cried with joy. The feeling was better than any drug I have ever done but there was no need to want more. I was in a complete state of presence and felt like god was all around me. I have heard of spiritual awakenings in the rooms of N.A. and A.A. But never like this. The feeling subsided the following day but had all the knowledge that I had received. I went to an N.A. Meeting that night and saw energy coming from those who had an awakening and those who were struggling. I had some kind of 6th sense and knew that my experience could help others. My family was alarmed when I told them and I decided to check myself into rehab for 70 days to let them and myself come to terms with this. I'm happy to say I'm now 74 days sober and depression free. I'm also a believer of GOD and know my message is to help others and plan to find a way to do his work.
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