My name is Cyndie and I am excited to share my story! Here we go... When I was 18, I was living with my dad. My dad was very strict! He didn't allow me to date, watch MTV, or even talk on the phone with my friends. I was very sheltered. Well one week he was out of town and so I went out on a date behind his back. I was unfortunatly date raped. I was a virgin. As a result, I got pregnant.
I struggled over my options. I thought about abortion but when it came down to the fact of the matter, I could not go down that path. I had thought about adoption but just could not make a decision about that. I was so scared, lost and confused. I got brave and called the guy and told him I was pregnant and he denied it was his and hung up on me. I did not know where to turn. I was scared of my dad and knew if I told him he would probably make me get an abortion and would probably try to track the guy down who did this to me. I know my dad was capable of murder because he had once served time in prison for attempted murder. You have to understand that my dad did not believe in God and even prohibited me from going to church or participate in any kind of Christian youth group. This was very difficult for me because my mother raised me in a Catholic home.
I decided to hide the pregnancy from everyone. That was so hard on me! I had to live with the guilt of not going to the dr., not telling my friends or family. After a while, I had to wear very baggy clothes. I was very much alone but I felt like I had to do this to protect this child inside of me. When I was 7 & 1/2 months pregnant I decided to come clean to my father. He was livid! He actually told me "I'm so mad at you right now, I'd hit you if you weren't pregnant! I swear if you would've told me when this happened I would have made you go get an abortion!". Right then I knew I made the right decision.
My father ended up making drop out of high school half way through my senior year, to spare the family shame. It broke my heart but he made me feel so ashamed of myself even tho it wasn't all my fault. I was so depressed! It only got worse from there.
My step mother decided she needed to visit her mother in Georgia for 2 weeks because our house was so full of tension, I guess I don't blame her. Those two weeks were hell on earth for me. Not only did my dad go on a drinking binge the whole time, he also tried raping me! I could not believe this was happening to me! I fought and fought and I got away! My dad was a very big man so I don't know how I was able to fight him off and escape. He did not succeed in his attempt but I ended up in the hospital and almost had to get lifeflighted because my child was about to come early due to all the distress my body had to endure. The doctors managed to stop the labor but I had to be on bedrest until I was due.
Well I hid in my bedroom for the rest of my pregnancy because I was so scared. I was scared to tell anyone about what my dad did because I didn't know if anyone would believe me. When my step mother returned, I still didn't feel safe. Finally the time came one night. I got out of the shower and felt funny so I went straight to bed but right as I sat down on my bed, my water broke. I had to ask my stepmother to take me to the hospital. Her and my dad got up and took me to the ER and dropped me off. I was all alone and so scared. I never felt more helpless. I ended up being in labor for over 24 hours all by myself but my baby just wasn't wanting to come out. The doctor decided at that point to do an emergency surgery.
They took my baby out at 1:11 in the afternoon and I fell asleep. I didn't wake up until 9 o'clock that night. When I woke I called for the nurse and asked for my baby. She brought me the cutest little baby boy I had ever seen but unfortunatly I didn't feel anything for my child. I didn't understand why, I thought there was supposed to be some kind of automatic bond but there wasn't. I thought to myself "what's wrong with me? I have a big heart! Why don't I feel love for my own baby?"
I didn't tell any of the hospital staff and just tried to play it off but I felt awful about myself. They ended up taking my baby to the nursery so I could get some much needed rest. Later that night, I woke up to a very intense bright white light coming from the dark corner of my hospital room. I got scared for a split second, and then a feeling of warmth and peace overwhelmed me! I can't even explain how much love and peace was in me at that moment. I tried to look at the light but I couldn't it was so bright! Next I heard a voice and it told me "It's going to be ok, it's ALL going to be ok. You are not alone and you are loved."
I didn't want that feeling to ever stop but it went away and I fell back asleep. The next morning I woke up and recalled my experience. I was so excited, I called the nurse and asked for my baby boy. She brought him to me and I held him in my arms and my heart melted! At that moment I fell in love so hard with my baby! Tears were pouring out and those tears were tears of sheer joy! God spoke to me and I have never felt alone since. God is amazing and He really does love us and He will never leave us! I am so blessed and I hope my story will help encourage somebody to never give up even during your lonliest and most helpless moments in life! God bless!
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