My name is Austin and I live in Abilene, TX. I am 19 years old and I'm just now realizing how strange my sight is. Ever since I can remember my entire field of vision has been covered with tiny specs of light. It never goes away, eyes open or eyes shut. It has no effect on my normal vision but with focus the particles come together to form some pretty intricate visuals.
When I was 4-5 this way of seeing was quite natural to me. I would lay in dark rooms and see beautiful things. For example complex geometric patterns coming together and making tunnels into space. I had a sort of control over it. The best way of describing it is like having all your subconscious emotions and thoughts just put in front of your eyes into picture form.
Soon though I completely lost interest. I can't tell you exactly why, I just became confused and frightened about it as I aged and just thought it better if I just ignored it. I mean I was still aware of it because it never left but for a certain number of years I just looked right through it.
The first time I tried to explain this to my parents, I was probably 6-7, I completely failed to get through to them how crazy it was. My mom told me it was floaters and that everyone has them. So that's what I believed or fooled myself with I guess. But anyways after I graduated high school I tried cannabis and got stoned for the first time. It was very strange. The drug completely took a hold of the visuals and all of a sudden I was seeing all the amazing things I had seen when I was smaller. I was in a trance and all physical sensations went out the window. I felt like I was an explorer of my own mind. This is what started my new found interest in these visuals and what they meant.
First thing I tried was to go to the eye doctor. I had done a little bit of research. I was pretty sure that the light particles I was seeing were called phosephenes, these are the 'stars' you see when there is pressure on your eyes. Meditation, drugs, electricity, and extreme mental stress are all stimulates that cause these to show up in your eyes. Unfortunately the doctor disagreed with me, only advice he gave was go to a neurologist. I decided to wait until I understood it better to make anymore doctor visits. I decided I was going to try and understand how to get in the right state of mind to kick start the visuals. I learned that with just a little bit of focus I could see some pretty outstanding things but it all still lacked meaning.
So after awhile I learned that if I just focused towards one central spot that the vision would explode outwards and the longer I held this focus the more profound the images were getting. Soon along with the visuals, mental and physical effects started to come over me. Mentally the first thing that came over me was a giant wave of euphoria and empathy. Physically my body just started tingling and my heart began to race. I had definitely just done something there. It felt like I had broken through a barrier of some kind. So I went through that same process a couple more times to the same mental and physical effects.
I noticed that the trances I went into to achieve this were fairly short. I'd say it would take me 2-3 minutes to get there and then the sensation would come over me and then I would lose focus because it kind of just became too much. But I knew there was more. So at about 4:30am today I felt that I was ready to try to go further. Even my highest expectations didn't come close to what happened in the next two hours.
It started out like this, I was laying down on my bed looking into the darkness. The visuals were already strong, patterns were forming everywhere. The next part is kind of hard to explain. But it was like an explosion or something, it just happened really fast. The first thing I felt was a bolt of energy go through my entire body. After this I am at a state of mind I had never felt before. My body goes numb and I just forgot about it. It was almost like I forgot myself too if that makes sense. I was somewhere new and it was pretty scary. My mind felt heavily altered. I've never done psychedelic drugs before but psychedelic was the only way to describe it.
The visuals went to a new level. I was having full blown hallucinations. In reality I was just laying down in a dark room but my mind knew no limitations I knew that if I wanted I could go anywhere from here. The trip lasted about 2 hours and then one hour of me just sitting there not knowing what the hell just happened to me.
Now as I'm writing about it, it seems more like a dream, but I know it wasn't. I can't talk to my friends. Anytime I try to talk to somebody about these things they are immediately put off. I have no idea what all this is and I just need some sort guidance. So any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
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