This title means the properties of God I realized directly, not by reading but by knowing, in April 1998.
I, beforehand, ask all readers NOT to imitate me in regard to the substance mentioned below. They only would give unnecessary risks to themselves. This is an absolutely exceptional case. "Drugs" do not enlighten people. But God sometimes "writes straight on crooked lines" and that is what He did to me.
I am a remote associate of "Haidakhan Babaji people" who pray to Shiva (the Great Lord without Form, probably identical to Jah (we) Zebaoth) and the Divine Mother Amba (the soul of Earth) since 1988. I did much mantra, poojah and so on for ten years, and did KarmaYoga night and day, but did not even come near to something as deep meditation. At last I thought meself to be a hopeless case. (See also my posts on Psychic-experiences.com where I posted many things which belong better here but I did not know the site yet.)
In January 1998 then I had a really strange dream: I saw myself smoking Ganjah.
I never smoked before. Neither tobacco nor that. It disgusted me. I never had even thought of that. And I had never studied the effects of Ganjah in books. Therefore there was no mundane reason for the dream. But I knew that Ganjah belongs to Lord Shiva, and that He is sometimes depicted consuming it.
So I thought the dream meant that I should test that substance.
Living in a country where it is illicit I first came to forget that. But some months later I happened to be invited to a congress in Amsterdam. There I decided to do the test.
I did not smoke but chew some of it. I wanted to avoid to become a smoker. (Which I now am, in spite of that. My health is damaged. Everything hath its price. Knowing Infinity definitely has a high price! That is why I said do not imitate me!)
First nothing special happened, except that I was reading, in my hotel room, my scientific book with such a focus as if even an earthquake would not have distracted me from it.
Then I got tired and a bit dizzy, and got to bed.
Then, all my senses became immensely sharp and all feelings intense in a way never imagined before. When I moved my head it was as if I were flying, floating, or falling. I had an intense idea of my body's structure in the way cars or machines are depicted in 3-D computer models. And then I looked into the blackness behind my closed eyes as I so often had done trying to meditate when I always, so to speak, had been left just before the door. This time it was different.
I saw that blackness and it was like a starless sky, pitch black but - somehow shining from within, and there was, for an instant, no more a difference between me and this black Infinity, between Bindu, the tiny drop, and Sindhu, the ocean of the formless Divinity. And I felt an immense love and wisdom in this Formlessness to be source of all things that have a name and a form.
Since that time I am no longer a person that just believes in the existence of God. I now know That. I am no longer a sheep that can be told everything and anything about God. I now have a base of my own.
This was worth every trouble during the years after. It even would have been worth jail or death.
About this I wrote, two years after when I had fully realized what had happened and that this moment had been no fake or result of self-suggestion, a song as follows:
"Thou art the Blackness behind my closed eyes
Liberty Dignity Infinity
Starless blackness behind my closed eyes
Liberty Ecstasy Infinity
Nada Nada Heading for Nada
Nada Nada Yearning for Nada
Nada Nada Embracing Nada.
Worth every price it is just once to see
Liberty Dignity Infinity
To surrender my being to Thee
Liberty Ecstasy Infinity
Nada...
Once when this life of illusion shall end
Liberty Dignity Infinity
I'll gladly give up my soul to Your Hand
Liberty Ecstasy Infinity
Nada...
I saw You in the Blackness behind my closed eyes
Liberty Dignity Infinity
O radiant blackness behind my closed eyes
Liberty Ecstasy Infinity
Nada...
Thou art the Blackness behind my closed eyes."
I dream and wish that all who read this meet with the Great Mystery without "drugs" - and, if God allows, right tonite in your beds!
Just look into the blackness behind your closed eyes - and be very, very lucky.
But do not expect that it, if once happened, will ever come back. To me it did never return.
Thank God (dess), no matter!
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