In the months before my experience I remember a shift in beliefs. I became tired of fear and suffering, I began to seek risks and great short term profits that came with them. Also, probably more important, I began to try and fool myself into enjoying suffering; constantly trying to see the bright side and derive some greater meaning from a life of suffering so that although full of suffering it would have its own rewards.
My kryptonite was women and the catalyst experience for my spiritual experience was being rejected by a beautiful woman.
Before this woman I had tried one main approach, to hide myself and be what I thought they wanted me to be. This allowed rejection to hurt very little because I knew they were rejection the illusion I put forward for them. In time I realized this was my problem and the girl I gave permission to judge me, the girl I chose to open myself and feel for, eventually told me I'm too nice. To me this hurt so bad because it meant I couldn't get a girl I wanted being not me, nor could I being me. I felt the ultimate sense of helplessness as I felt I'd never achieve what I wanted the most, what I felt I needed to be complete.
Essentially this is the beginning.
I began to feel my mind spinning out of control, looking for some purpose, some way I could survive and get what I needed to survive.
In a desperate attempt to survive my mind unlocked it's shadow and I consciously accepted its dark power, the ability to ignore feelings and rationality in the pursuit of what I needed the most.
In that moment I felt the last bits of light, of purity, becoming covered with darkness. I felt pure power, rage, energy, like I was behind a machine gun that I couldn't turn off and I felt the strong urge to unleash its fury on others to sate its blood lust.
A millisecond later, from the deepest parts of my mind, I heard a distinct NO. I knew in that instant that I was both a monster and a hero, I knew I could never turn off that intense energy and anger, but I could direct it's fire to where I wanted.
I chose to direct it's fire at myself, I became so sick of myself at accepting to become a monster to survive that I decided I didn't want to live at all. When I decided I wanted death, the voice from the deepest part of my mind refused to die. This time it was much louder than the first time and it seemed to eliminate the choice of suicide for good.
This time I felt the greatest feeling of helplessness I'd ever felt, I felt the want to die but felt incapable of taking my own life.
I began to try and figure things out. I want to die, I know that. I can't take my own life, I know that. I'm full of anger and energy, but I won't use it on other people, I know that. What do I do...?
In an instant it came to me, sacrifice. When I heard the word in my inner monologue it began to sooth all the panic in my thoughts and body, I began to say it over and over to make sure it was what I truly wanted and with each affirmation I felt deeper and deeper purpose.
My affirmation was like this "If I can't die and I can't stop this energy, I'll die young of hard labor using all this energy for the good of this world I hate so much that won't give me what I need to survive". I gave myself permission to give up completely, and something deeper held on, my true self; it gave me purpose and let me know my true self is good, although it wears a monster costume at times it's not dangerous.
I believe my experience is on the upper end because my affirmation was so strong, it was a completely pure sacrifice. Sure, in time I gave that affirmation up because without balance and caution I would end up sacrificing myself before I had much time to spread what I've learned.
Also, this is just the beginning experience. There is also the 40-60 days following this experience where I develop new beliefs and behaviors to match my affirmation. Also periodically throughout this 40-60 day period my strength in my affirmation waved, I felt like the universe was asking me "do you want to continue on this path, and risk death, or do you want to go back to life". Each time I chose death again and my affirmation was renewed, so strongly were my affirmations internalized that to this day, about 2 years later, I have problems feeling anxiety, fear, stress, I feel pulled towards a spiritual life and I have problems being ignorant and "human". Basically I'm trying to say there is some biological change that accompanies this experience, once you "achieve" it you can't go back you can only modify it. Why would I be interested in going back anyways you might ask, because everlasting internal peace and joy is not all it's cracked up to be, it's lonely and it's a social group, meaning to be part of it kind of excludes you from other social groups. The more I experience, the more social groups I interact with, the more my ability to help grows; and personally, I just don't like it, but apparently everybody else does and wants it so hey, why not do this, I feel destined to do it, I'm equipped to do it, I feel incapable of not doing it, why not =)
I am a spirit guide, a wolf. Corey Lupo is the name.
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